Like with witches but even more tits

Oh man, the Witcher. Oh man.

It's been years since I've played a MMORPG - Truth be told, I only ever played the one - but I'd been forewarned the Witcher is pretty just a MMORPG. I didn't really get that vibe full on at the start - fetch quests and wandering around like a moron who can't successfully push their way up a four foot hill or fence isn't exactly an innovation originating in the MMORPG market. Hell yea the Witcher's got that.

Combat didn't make any sense to me until a friend pointed out 'It's all a big Quicktime event!' then I realized how it works. Combat is better than most RPGs but just barely. It's sort of a rhythm game. You pick which sword you're supposed to use, then pick which style, then you're supposed to click again when the cursor changes color. It's a bit demeaningly simple, but honestly? It's better than the usual clickfest RPGs like to run with. I think there's a damage bonus for successfully clicking at the precise second but I'm not entirely sure. There's also reference to "special moves" at the higher levels but I never really managed to figure out how to use them. I set people on fire and then hit them repeatedly. Then I'd stun the last one and execute them.

The other elements, those being the usage of your limited grasp of offensive magic (which feels more like being a Psyker than a Mage) and alchemy, are a mixed bag. Potions are limited by a 'toxicity' bar, which precludes chugging them nonstop, but are otherwise pretty easy to craft reliably. There's a cost involved, enough that you don't keep buffs up all the time but not so bad as to preclude doing it. As you get later on in the game there are more and more ways to increase how much potioning you can do, which helps round the difficulty curve.Sex in the Witcher is immediate and hilarious. Awkwardly so, but hey sitcoms have pretty much lived off that crop for the last forty years. I've read people find the sex cards a bit misogynistic, which I think is probably both true and truthful. Which is to say yeah, it absolutely is, but it is in sort of an honest about human sexuality way. Tell me both genders don't do that and I'll call you a liar. I'm not really saying they need to be in the game - They certainly don't - But they're hardly the worst thing I've seen in a video game.

Still, I laughed pretty hard at the second sex thing. You meet some barmaid behind an old mill and head on inside for a romp. The cutscene suddenly shifts to a shot of some peasents across the river, commenting they should look for a Witcher since the Old haunted mill is acting out its ghostly problems again, making spooky noises and shaking. Perspective switches and its the barmaid making the usual noises as the Witcher, already on the scene and conducting his investigation, is fucking her brains out. I probably only laughed so hard out of complete shock.

Outside of sex, it's a roleplaying game about a moral choice system as it relates to a character who is both sort of a blank slate and intentionally written as sort of ambiguous in his beliefs. There's a great deal to be said for how you can imprint your own thoughts on the game and while I'm sure your choices don't massively influence the story you do get to see people you would have killed or talk about events that you made decisions about with them. I also really liked the game's "book" systems. As a character who has suffered amnesia, you are able to learn about your enemies and other things through literature made available in the game, which also creates a way to churn gold. In order to do a quest, you need to extract a specific component from fallen foes. To do this, you need to know how, so you have to buy a book. It's a good feeling though it's a bit frustrating when you're not certain if you missed a book or not.

So the combat is okay but not great, the graphics are a couple years old and the moral choice system is about as successful as any given system has ever been. That leaves us with little more than the story to talk about.

The story and theme are dark. Not grimdark, not grimderp, not needless or over the top. People get fucked up, bad shit happens, some people are donkeys and other people are sort of noble. It isn't bombastic, though you do see villages set on fire and people definitely die in the thousands.

On the other hand the main character isn't ridiculous about it. He knows he's a killer and while he struggles with it enough to seem a bit human, he's still something of a psychopath. As such the story is related to you in an even handed, less than flowery somewhat gritty manner. I really dug the style, as it feels very "European dark ages" and not in the lame King Arthur's wankfest sort of way. I mean a legitimately dark age story, admittedly in a medieval world with alchemists, sorcery and genetic mutants. The story is loaded with anachronisms, or maybe mistranslations, though most of them seem pretty intentional.

I found the plot and the 'twist' at the end kinda mediocre, but up until then I was pretty satisfied with what I was playing. The twist itself is interesting in how dark it is, and adds power to the story, but I actually felt like it was unnecessary. The idea that a plot thread could drop away in failure just feels more like the rest of the story to me.

All in all, I paid 2.50 for this game and it was an absolute steal. It's a quality work that, while at times a little disjointed or odd, was probably the best 2.50 I think I've ever spent.

Mass Effective Moral Choice System

Damn, playing some old games. Well, older games. Sort of a weird hybrid RPG sort of dealio from a company that I guess became considerably more famous following its release, or something, fuck I don't feel like looking up Bioware. I feel like this is the Baldur's Gate company, but maybe it isn't and maybe it doesn't matter. RPGs are so painfully overhyped its just atrocious. People like to forget this but there's a point in RPG development where people start confusing tedium with challenge. People will go man, Final Fantasy, great fucking game! Maybe it is, but I got a couple hours in and remembered they literally buried any good elements of the game under a huge heaping of tedium. And there's no story. And the combat sucks. Wait, why is this considered a great game? What at all was good about this game? Well, it's a RPG, so that's just what people expected! This is, mind you, from a generation of design school that eventually concluded RPGs should punish the player. People would actually argue that World of Warcraft was going to fail because unlike Everquest, it didn't punish you enough. Because mindless tedium is challenge. Yep.

So yeah I've gone through Baldur's Gate and maybe half the Icewind Dale stuff. I think I finished maybe 10% of Planescape Torment and just found it agonizingly dull. Maybe I got further, but I can't remember. There's text and dialogue and characters doing shit, but I just remember hoboy tedium, walking around this crazy town having boring adventures. Tedium, just endless tedium and bad systems and bad combat. But it's ok because it's a roleplaying game, so gargle those tedious cocks and slowly suck that roleplaying goo out. Hoboy.

You must gather your party before venturing forth.

Anyway so Mass Effect doesn't like me watching streams on twitch tv. Seriously! This is the second game in a row that goes crash happy if I've been watching my friend play MTGO. I was going to write a like two paragraph review about how overhyped nvidia's drivers are (how is this even possible) but it turns out its probably adobe flash or something shitting in my crappy computer's pipes. Fuck you Adobe, I hope Steve Jobs comes back from the dead and ravages you with his zombie aesthetics just all up in your shit. The game is pretty unstable to begin with, but if I've played a stream it crashes in a couple minutes tops.

Right off the bat the game gets me with two things I'm a total sucker for: Nice looking space shots and good music. Damn it Mass Effect, how did you know this was my weakness? The music is seriously the first thing that hits me. It isn't outstanding by any stretch of the imagination, but it's good. And sometimes good is enough to carry me through the start of the game.

Games go in two different ways with little deviation and this isn't meant to be an insightful point. Either games are painful at the start and then open up, or the start is awesome but then gets really shitty. Mass Effect tends greatly more towards the latter, as the beginning is weird and obtuse. The game's combat is honestly pretty bad. There's a ton of neat ideas in it, but it feels flakey and strange. A particularily stunning moment was a firefight with Krogan. I knocked him down, at which point my gun overheated. He healed to full, while my allies, a few feet from him, ignored him before he bumrushed me in melee. Then beat me to death while I wondered how melee worked.

I wasn't really mad. I clearly fucked up, but it's a pretty weird moment where you hit someone at point blank with a shotgun and then they just get up before punching you out. While your allies look on, perhaps in disgust. I'd be pretty disgusted. With this game.

Combat outside of this is pretty hohum, but even a couple hours into the game I find myself wondering exactly 'what just happened'. The game isn't being obvious about information - I have no idea if my allies are dying to critical strikes, if an explosion hit them, if they're debuffed, whatever. Cover seems a bit dicey at times and the game constantly puts you in ambushes, which does the design no favours. The whole cutscene before an ambush thing is ... Not especially well thought out. The grenade system confuses me as well, grenades seem to have no arc or interest in gravity. They just sail onwards, to infinity and beyond. Given they're not all that powerful to begin with, their status as "like a bullet but harder to aim" was a bit dull. On the other hand the weapon system seemed really good after a while. Most games with 'points in guns' you end up wanting to put all your points in one gun, then not use the other ones. The class I picked had access to two guns, and both of them felt equally useful but in different bits. Also the overheat system encourages some weapon swapping no matter, which felt fine.

Roleplaying games having pretty terrible combat isn't anything new, but the thing that really stands out in this game is just how little information is presented to me in combat. One of the things World of Warcraft (and perhaps all mmorpgs) spoils you on is the ability to analyze what you did wrong. If Mass Effect offers me a timeline showing exactly where I fucked up in beautiful detail, I haven't really found the option. When I die, I'm often not sure if I'm off the beaten path, doing things wrong or just ... unlucky. It's an odd feeling. Basically: Combat is kinda bad at times. It's also pretty different and doesn't drag itself out most of the time though.

The other elements of the game though are good to great. Cutscenes, as mentioned, do tend to over stay their welcome. As a basic design consideration, no game should ever do a cutscene then do something you can't save that might kill you. Want to put a cutscene before a boss fight? Too bad, it's shitty design and no one appreciates it. This isn't cinema, guys. You can do a cutscene just before the boss where they give their speech, allow the save and then have the fight. If you don't, either that or the fight is too easy or you have to constantly waffle your way through boring ass cutscenes. Not worth it me hearties. Moral choice systems are largely as meaningless as they were in the earliest days of gaming. I've never really understood why designs fixate on 'good' and 'bad', when really you're always sort of a good guy no matter how you play. Why not build the choice system around, say, greed, duty, law, disorder and passion? With special bonuses coming from both your dedication to an aspect but also your mix of choices. There's a big difference between the nobility of following a law completely to the letter and undertaking an epic quest on your own path to save some downtrodden orphan, but they're both good. Also, there's just as big a gap between a charming rascal who does under the table work and undermines the authority of his government, and a murderous fiend who does that moronic Chaotic evil thing that doesn't exist in real life. I'd like to play a charming rascal, but the derpy murder is fun play style is rather boring.

You murder tons of people in every roleplaying game ever made. And they're not even people! They're bit and boops from the computer.

Designers never really seem to take advantage of that and I'm not too sure why. The difference between 5 points in the "Law" column versus 3 points in Law and 2 points in Passion aren't hard to determine going in or coming out. So you get a slightly different power? Big deal. It's also harder to minmax and gives the player a great sense of freedom to just play the fucking game. I'm not even sure what the good and/or bad points actually did.

I played the game without any real minmaxing, I even let the autolevel system do its thing on the most part. This was sort of a mistake, since the game is a little retarded about electronics/decryption of objects, but I flipped it off, maxed those skills and flipped it back on. Score.

The back story feels like someone played Star Control, or whatever else. Ancient species cyclical hoo hah monitored other life forms precursors the halo the bugs the whatever, I don't know. It's a mash up of various ideas, not really too creative but decent enough. I enjoy the dialogue and I like the politics. I didn't totally like the whole romance angle, it feels a bit forced and stilted at times, but much of the game's progression is like this. Anywhere you go, people immediately know just about everything. You become a Specter and instantly there's people crawling all over you for help that only you can provide. I can understand this from a military angle, but random gangsters? Feel like they'd take a bit to learn through unofficial channels. Anyway the romance probably would have been better had it possessed a bit more randomness. Then again, the eventual sex scene was pretty tasteful and I can't really fault the game for stilted nature - doing it between missions (the romance, not the sex, ugh) is because they didn't want players to miss it. The rest of the characterization is pretty good though, I especially liked the Citadel Security turian that joins the squad after a bit. Also your lieutenant was a pretty well acted dude, though I did find the racist human female rather ... Flat.

The worst element of the story is how ridiculously limited the evidence given or needed at various points is. Your superiors will believe an audio recording, but not a recording of various scientists on the one planet talking about their experiments? Like, uh, you're telling me your space man's suit doesn't have a camera?

They have those now! In real life! I think they had those in desert storm!

The game actually reminds me a fair bit of Morrowind - Which also had great music - in many of the good and bad ways. Morrowind, mind you, had incredibly worse combat. When I say Mass Effect's combat is bad, it's bad for gaming in general. It's certainly no worse than any roleplaying game I can bring to mind and probably a great deal better than most. Level design makes or breaks it, with some of the levels having snipers that shoot you from a million miles away and other levels paced well. Plus it does have shot guns. I love shot guns.

Unlike Morrowind, while I really liked this game, I don't think I'll be replaying it, at least until my next system. I believe this is the second unreal engine game to crash constantly on my machine - thankfully unlike Darksiders which I didn't bother to finish, Mass Effect is pretty decent about autosaving.

Lastly, I want to specifically talk about the last two big moral choices at the end of the game. There's a pair of them, which have some influence on the ending and perhaps the next game. The first choice has three options - though I'm not too sure which one specifically leads to what. The tactically correct decision given the situation is ... Bad. What? Then, following that, the tactically correct choice for the next option is ... Good?

Seriously, good and evil become increasingly dumb concepts when you're in some way 'evil' for making the correct choice. At least within circumstances where you've murdered 800,000 Geth who just want to know why beep boops their boing :(