Like with witches but even more tits

Oh man, the Witcher. Oh man.

It's been years since I've played a MMORPG - Truth be told, I only ever played the one - but I'd been forewarned the Witcher is pretty just a MMORPG. I didn't really get that vibe full on at the start - fetch quests and wandering around like a moron who can't successfully push their way up a four foot hill or fence isn't exactly an innovation originating in the MMORPG market. Hell yea the Witcher's got that.

Combat didn't make any sense to me until a friend pointed out 'It's all a big Quicktime event!' then I realized how it works. Combat is better than most RPGs but just barely. It's sort of a rhythm game. You pick which sword you're supposed to use, then pick which style, then you're supposed to click again when the cursor changes color. It's a bit demeaningly simple, but honestly? It's better than the usual clickfest RPGs like to run with. I think there's a damage bonus for successfully clicking at the precise second but I'm not entirely sure. There's also reference to "special moves" at the higher levels but I never really managed to figure out how to use them. I set people on fire and then hit them repeatedly. Then I'd stun the last one and execute them.

The other elements, those being the usage of your limited grasp of offensive magic (which feels more like being a Psyker than a Mage) and alchemy, are a mixed bag. Potions are limited by a 'toxicity' bar, which precludes chugging them nonstop, but are otherwise pretty easy to craft reliably. There's a cost involved, enough that you don't keep buffs up all the time but not so bad as to preclude doing it. As you get later on in the game there are more and more ways to increase how much potioning you can do, which helps round the difficulty curve.Sex in the Witcher is immediate and hilarious. Awkwardly so, but hey sitcoms have pretty much lived off that crop for the last forty years. I've read people find the sex cards a bit misogynistic, which I think is probably both true and truthful. Which is to say yeah, it absolutely is, but it is in sort of an honest about human sexuality way. Tell me both genders don't do that and I'll call you a liar. I'm not really saying they need to be in the game - They certainly don't - But they're hardly the worst thing I've seen in a video game.

Still, I laughed pretty hard at the second sex thing. You meet some barmaid behind an old mill and head on inside for a romp. The cutscene suddenly shifts to a shot of some peasents across the river, commenting they should look for a Witcher since the Old haunted mill is acting out its ghostly problems again, making spooky noises and shaking. Perspective switches and its the barmaid making the usual noises as the Witcher, already on the scene and conducting his investigation, is fucking her brains out. I probably only laughed so hard out of complete shock.

Outside of sex, it's a roleplaying game about a moral choice system as it relates to a character who is both sort of a blank slate and intentionally written as sort of ambiguous in his beliefs. There's a great deal to be said for how you can imprint your own thoughts on the game and while I'm sure your choices don't massively influence the story you do get to see people you would have killed or talk about events that you made decisions about with them. I also really liked the game's "book" systems. As a character who has suffered amnesia, you are able to learn about your enemies and other things through literature made available in the game, which also creates a way to churn gold. In order to do a quest, you need to extract a specific component from fallen foes. To do this, you need to know how, so you have to buy a book. It's a good feeling though it's a bit frustrating when you're not certain if you missed a book or not.

So the combat is okay but not great, the graphics are a couple years old and the moral choice system is about as successful as any given system has ever been. That leaves us with little more than the story to talk about.

The story and theme are dark. Not grimdark, not grimderp, not needless or over the top. People get fucked up, bad shit happens, some people are donkeys and other people are sort of noble. It isn't bombastic, though you do see villages set on fire and people definitely die in the thousands.

On the other hand the main character isn't ridiculous about it. He knows he's a killer and while he struggles with it enough to seem a bit human, he's still something of a psychopath. As such the story is related to you in an even handed, less than flowery somewhat gritty manner. I really dug the style, as it feels very "European dark ages" and not in the lame King Arthur's wankfest sort of way. I mean a legitimately dark age story, admittedly in a medieval world with alchemists, sorcery and genetic mutants. The story is loaded with anachronisms, or maybe mistranslations, though most of them seem pretty intentional.

I found the plot and the 'twist' at the end kinda mediocre, but up until then I was pretty satisfied with what I was playing. The twist itself is interesting in how dark it is, and adds power to the story, but I actually felt like it was unnecessary. The idea that a plot thread could drop away in failure just feels more like the rest of the story to me.

All in all, I paid 2.50 for this game and it was an absolute steal. It's a quality work that, while at times a little disjointed or odd, was probably the best 2.50 I think I've ever spent.